My junior year of high school I took some very difficult APs so I was pretty stressed so some of these old posts are a bit morose.
8:29:05 PM
thegurlwholived: Also I must say that sometimes I literally just feel like a useless blob of lard, living a purposeless existance and like none of it’s worth it. I’m not suicidal or anything, I’ve never really considered that, though I have imagined what it would be like to simply drop dead and the peace it would bring me, not having to worry about anything any more. Still, I’d never kill myself, that just seems even more pitiful. Any way, getting back to the point, sometimes I need someone to encourage me and NOT have soul crushing resposes like ‘I love you anyways’ and ‘I told you that someday you were going to hit a wall’ which says to me ‘even though your a dumbass, I love you because it’s my obligation as part of your family’ and ‘I knew you weren’t good enough and that one day you’d fuck up’
8:35:24 PM
thegurlwholived: I need someone that will provide a steady puch in the right direction while still consoling me when I fail. I know you guys, I have to be around you the rest of my life, sometimes I just don’t want to tell you how insecure and vulnerable I am. Most of the time I am a solid wall of rock but every now and then (with incresing frequency since I’ve joined the damned APs) I am delt a crushing blow that makes me want to curl up in a ball and sob my eyes out. This usually happens whenever I have failed myself, fallen short of my own expectations. I don’t really want anyone to know when that happens, and I know if I tell one of you, it’s the same as telling all of you, it’ll be like a rumor at school and soon everyone in the family will be privy.
8:37:46 PM
thegurlwholived: I can’t handle that, I need one person to cinfide in, just one and I’ll be ok. One that will be able to comfort me, punish me when I’ve failed because of my own bad choices, and generally be able to have an open conversation with.
8:42:05 PM
thegurlwholived: You’re all nice and I love you but you’re all either too needy, too critical , or just generally inadequate in one of my oter parameters. Also I confess my faith in some of my family has been greatly diminished because of their less than legal activites, or when they choose to inform me of some other radical behavior of which is inappropriate or unacceptable. I love knowledge and I’d give up all my limbs just to get a little smarter but in some cases ignorance really is bliss and I really DON’T want to know.
trialanderrorspanko 