Jan 19, 2011

10:23:03 PM

thegurlwholived: I really just need a hug sometimes but I don’t have that kind of a relationship with anyone. I can’t be weak infront of anyone. I need someone who’ll call me on my BS, give constuctive critisicm and hug me when I’m having a breakdown. Today my mother got dragged off by her probation officer because they finally connected the dots about that new DUI from (censor far away NC city). I thought we’d escaped but no it was just too good to be true

10:25:15 PM

thegurlwholived: If she looses her job we’ll all be done for, she pays for everything around here! It was so hard for her to find this job, i just want her to have a job where she can use hers skills and be happy so she doesn’t have to ‘escape’ by getting drunk everytime she leaves the house

10:27:48 PM

thegurlwholived: Right now I would like to be able to meet with my mentor and bawl my eyes out. not even get spanked, oh no I have enough to cry about already. I need someone to hold me and tell me it’ll be ok and that we can get through this

10:29:54 PM

thegurlwholived: But alas i can’t find anyone like that

Nov. 21, 2011

12:07:33 AM

thegurlwholived: This is seriously starting to get frustrating. Last week I kept waiting and waiting for a reply and then I finally get an e-mail on thursday that’s not even a reply but an explaination for why he hasn’t been on. He said his son’s been having some problems, I hope they’re not too serious. Part of me is glad that it’s not me that frove him away or something and the other bit feels a little like a kid pouting. I feel like my behavior has been better since he stopped replying because I’m afraid if I do too many bad things for fear he’ll balk and loose interest and then also I can feel a slowly encroaching wish to misbehave to get his attention.

12:08:52 AM

thegurlwholived: First of all that’d be extremely inconsiderate because he’s having real problems and isn’t just ‘busy’ second of all that wouldn’t even work because as far as I can tell he hasn’t even really been getting on since all this happened

12:10:54 AM

thegurlwholived: I hope when he tunes back in to the spanko world that we can start to connect and he’ll tell me the next time he’s in Charlotte. I don’t want a spanking session at first and I’m a little afraid he’ll feel entitled to it if he travels all that way but I really need to just have lunch or something first face to face toease into it

12:13:30 AM

thegurlwholived: I hope he’ll understand, He seems…. well not ‘understanding’ per se because he actually seemed a bit strict in our conversations but I don’t know another word to use besides the fact that he ‘gets’ spankees. From the way the other girl in that blog described him how he always accomodated her even if she hadn’t voiced any issues makes him seem like he really ‘gets’ it

12:15:46 AM

thegurlwholived: I hope he’s back in by break otherwise I’m going to go crazy. I attatched enough that I feel like talking to others is pointless (besides Cary because he’s more of a friend despite the fact he’d be disappointed to know that he’s just too friendly rather than paternal)

12:16:19 AM

thegurlwholived: So if he doesn’t get back on then my spanko life is at a standstill

12:17:42 AM

thegurlwholived: Also the number of fics on fanfiction.net that interest me seem to be getting less and less NCIS fanfiction quality has gone down the toilet and it seems like most fics these days are about OCs which I usually don’t like to read or something of a sexual nature which I can’t accomodate

12:22:10 AM

thegurlwholived: Is it wrong to want someone who you can fall absolutely to pieces in front of and get nothing but straightforward advice and comfort and scolding all at once? I’ve never had that with my family my grandmother only half understands me, the other half is all critisizing most of which is not constuctive. My mother gets my intelectual mind but nothing else and my sister and are a simply at odds. She cries on my shoulder butI just can’t reciprocate. I need someone to be strong for me when i need it and she can’t even be strong for herself. She dalls to pieces at the slightest thing and is absolutely inconsolable

12:23:19 AM

thegurlwholived: I don’t have a close friendship tell them everything kind of relationship that people are suppose to have with their families I feel like i can’t even cry infront of them

12:24:24 AM

thegurlwholived: I need an outlet or I am going to self destruct one of these days. My grades’ll go down the toilet I’ll stop caring period because if noone cares about me then why should I care about anything\

12:30:52 AM

thegurlwholived: I feel empty inside sometimes like the only thing I can fill it with is with other peoples emotions and relationships that I wish that I could have. That’s why I get so into the shows I like I wish I could have what they have. I want to have a father that would search for me over the galaxy and love me enough to sacrifice himself like Darth Vader did. I want friends who can come to me and who I can go to, who recognize my skills in a particular area like Sweets from Bones has. I want to form a bond with people so tight that we trust each other with our lives like the team on Young Justice. I feel like my life is a mirror of that show Fringe where it continuously jumps between these two dimentions. My life is two worlds, the real world I live in is only like a third of it and the rest

12:32:57 AM

thegurlwholived: is this collage of what I wish my life was, each relationships and dynamic snipped out of some media or another like a ‘perfect’ woman made from cut out body parts of magazine models all pasted together.

12:34:28 AM

thegurlwholived: I’ll tell you exactly what it’s like. It’s like that show Inuyasha wher Kagome spends ALL her time down the well in fuedal Japan and only comes back to her real life in modern times once every month or longer

12:35:07 AM

thegurlwholived: She feels like she belongs in a different place in which she was born, that’s how I feel

12:36:18 AM

thegurlwholived: I going through the motrions of life, doing everything you’re suppose to do, get into a good college, have great grades

12:37:02 AM

thegurlwholived: but I don’t feel connected to it just kind of half-hearted about the whole ordeal

12:39:29 AM

thegurlwholived: I feel like I’m a lone ballon floating inside a building and I need a hand to grab me, anchor me or I’ll simply float out of the door and be lost one of these days

Nov. 14, 2011

This is about a potential mentor I got is contact with in November unfortunately he hasn’t been in contact with me since Thanksgiving so I’m starting to give up on him.

9:08:46 AM

thegurlwholived: Oh man I just got in contact with like THE perfect mentor. He’s done it before and even showed my a blog from a previous mentee which is why I feel really close to him right now even though we’ve barely spoke.

9:10:58 AM

thegurlwholived: The girl described everything from how she felt to what he said and i think he is perfect albeit a bit strict but that’s better than some like Cary who’re too busy being funny and be my friends to notice when I’m acting out unlesss I make it so obvious. He’s a nice guy and everything but when I flat out tell him I am procrastinating he doesn’t even scold me and even continues chatting with me at times.

9:12:17 AM

thegurlwholived: Though I may not particularly like saying Yes, Sir and No, Sir and attempting to screen my replies from sounding petulant I think it is a price to pay for a quality mentor who boviously knows what he’s doing

9:14:05 AM

thegurlwholived: He’ll probably soften up a little once he knows me better. I have to keep reminging myself that he really doesn’t know anything hardly because I read a blog covering like 2 years of his interaction with that girl and I feel like I’ve know him that long myself

9:20:00 AM

thegurlwholived: We’ve only been talking 4 days and here I am waiting (rather impatiently) for his reply because I am hopless. The other night I kept refreshing spankfinder’s online list to see if he got on. I wish I could get him in a IM for direct contact but we just keep sending e-mails. I’ve even started a Google Doc called a Discipline Book to tally all my wrong doings which both makes my stomach churn and spine tingle. That’s how i can tell he’s a good mentor, my palms sweat with anticipation just waiting on a silly e-mail and even when his indirect words scold me I feel my gut slosh uncomfortably despite the fact that right now if I acted like a complete brat he couldn’t do anything to me because he doesn’t even know where I live. That’s how powerful it is;

9:20:38 AM

thegurlwholived: he can give me butterflies even with words that he wrote hours previously that I’m not obligated to read or send a reply to

9:21:52 AM

thegurlwholived: I’m almost afraid to add things to that damn book because I don’t know when he next flies up and I really just want the first meeting to be coffee or lunch not ‘you’ve already done so many bad things I have to spank you’

9:22:28 AM

thegurlwholived: Plus I haven’t even shared it with him yet because he hasn’t told me his gmail account so when he first opens it i don’t want it to look like a term paper

9:24:16 AM

thegurlwholived: Having lunch is going to be so awesome I can just picture it now I’m waiting and he walks up all towering and I squirm uncomfortably because his stare is absolutely pinning and because I know he know all the things I’ve done that I feel bad about

9:24:48 AM

thegurlwholived: Or even worse, he is waiting and I have to be the one to walk up feeling stupid and my legs trying to give out on me

9:26:42 AM

thegurlwholived: We should definitely exchange photos before the meet none of that blind date nonsense i don’t want him to be surprised, i’m already worried he may not like me because I’m big and it sounds like he exercises allot. Allot of the times really fit people hold something of contempt for fat people the same way I hold contempt for people who throw their inteligence away on purpose

9:27:52 AM

thegurlwholived: I really wouldn’t want it to be a live feed though that’s too close to soon I dunno if i could handle that without making a complete fool of myself this early on

9:31:28 AM

thegurlwholived: Maybe he can even help me set and enforce goals for loosing weight. i am reluctant to put that into any of my mentors hands, however, because what if the becaomes a bone of contention. What if I can’t loose weight no matter how healthy i eat without exercising more than I’m willing or what if it moves to slowly for their taste and they spank me for say not loosing a pound a week and I start to resent them for it. I don’t want to loose a good mentor over it

9:32:46 AM

thegurlwholived: I really wish he would get on the computer already and send me a fucking reply. I sitting here with baited breath and it gets to be kindof irritatting

9:34:51 AM

thegurlwholived: I just don’t know how he’s going to take it that I lied to him, that I’ve been lying about my age since I was 15 or even earlier and that now i’m bound by the lie even though I am finally over 18. Part of me wishes that the first time he spanked me I was under 18 and then I had to break it to him somehow. I don’t know why I think that would make him act more fatherly to me but it seems that way to my twisted mind

9:36:52 AM

thegurlwholived: Either way I think he’s going to bust my ass good and proper when he finds out. Part of me hopes he’ll realize before then because he’ll get to know me so well but the other part hopes that he won’t find out until like my first spanking and we’ve gone over all my infractions and I’m getting ready to walk over there and be put over his knee when I stutter out having to confess one last thing…

9:38:45 AM

thegurlwholived: I cannot wait for the sweet relif of having all that burden removed from my shoulders to finally have someone i know if RL who knows I’m a spanko, understands it and knows exactly how to react when I act detrimentally to my health/grade/reputation ect

9:40:19 AM

thegurlwholived: A higher power to answer to for direct praise and warnings not spiritually but emotionally. It’s going to be like finally having a father, the one I was meant to have and not the pitiful excuse I got landed with

9:45:55 AM

thegurlwholived: I want him to know all my many flaws and care regardless, care enough to call me on all of them and help me fix them as well. To help me become a better person (and stop PROCRASTINATING!!) so that I am happy with myself

9:47:29 AM

thegurlwholived: I am going to be mad if he doesn’t get on until after I have to leave or something I want to establish contact not just answer another e-mail

9:54:19 AM

thegurlwholived: I am caving and going to take a shower and if his e-mail gets here before I’m back I’m going to be pissed

7:57:17 PM

thegurlwholived: I never realized it before but I think I have some real abandonment issues. I can’t walk around a store alone even if I came by myself, which i wouldn’t do in the first place. I realized it because I waited all morning for a reply from stephen_otk the ideal mentor that I was talking about and I thought for sure by the time I got back there’d be a reply and there STILL isn’t one and as far as I can tell he hasn’t been online.

8:00:23 PM

thegurlwholived: All I could think was that he read it and is avoiding me because he hates how I sound, like a big lazy procrastinator whose unwilling to change. Soon after i realized how completely unfounded that was especially because it seems he hasn

8:00:58 PM

thegurlwholived: ‘t even gotten online since we last talked, he probably simply hasn’t had time

8:06:02 PM

thegurlwholived: Get on already!!!! It’s driving me nuts I wish he knew how attatched I already was, he thinks I’m still in the stage of unsure, desciding but I’d meet him tomorrow if he asked

8:08:51 PM

thegurlwholived: I want to start the get to know you process rather than all these formalities we’re going through. I’m a little afraid that he’s going to want to spank me like right away but I still think I’ll have to ease into that, meet him first and everything

8:09:46 PM

thegurlwholived: ugh I hope he gets on tonight otherwise I might explode tomorrow continually going to the library to check my e-mail

8:25:08 PM

thegurlwholived: I feel so positive about this guy that when others even talk to me I almost don’t even want to give them the time of day

8:25:38 PM

thegurlwholived: but I’m polite because I know this isn’t a sure thing yet he may not even like me

Nov. 8, 2011

8:34:48 PM

thegurlwholived: Oh man I just watched a spanking vid on Spanko.net and it doesn’t seem to matter how much I love spanking and want to read the fanfiction and whatever, even if the video is a believable scenario in the genre that I like I still can’t manage to enjoy it. I feel like I’m watching porn or something even if it’s really not

8:40:12 PM

thegurlwholived: I guess I think more about the emotional aspects of it than the physical and since in a video you can’t know what’s going on in a persons mind like you can in a fanfiction it just seems wrong, like I’m spying on a very emotional and private moment. Plus when it’s that real and in your face all I can do is imagine myself in the position and then I start to realize all the ugh…shall we say logistical issues. Like would I fit on that guys lap period or will I even be able to feel it through my many layers of insulation. Plus some of these people have like no shame (I guess those are the only people who would allow it to be video taped). I would literally die of humiliation if my mentor made me stand up starko. I can see the reason for bare bottom spanking so the person gets the full impact but my panties are going back on before I get up. And there will be no spanking in public because that would also be cripplingly mortifying

October 10, 2011

2:08:22 AM

thegurlwholived:(censor sister name) called me tonight, she was just asking me if I’d remembered to turn in her time sheets and it turned into an hour of boo-hooing about her situation with not being able to support heself and momma being unable to help anyone. I wish I had someone I could cry to like that. I’m doing well in school and everything but I still feel something is missing and just as I feared I’m not really making that many friends or connecting to people because I don’t live on campus and I just go and then come back here. Also, as I feared, I’m still locked into my families drama instead of being able to escape. I’d like to be far enough away that noone could call me and expect me to help or bitch at me for something I was doing. Maybe next year….

2:11:21 AM

thegurlwholived: I hate when people tell me all their problems it makes me realize how powerless I am to help and moreover it makes it impossible to maintain my usual detatched, half day-dreaming state that I like to drift around in.

2:20:22 AM

thegurlwholived: I feel like I’m only genuinely happy for about 1% of my life and the rest is 15% unhappy, 15% content, 15% school, 20% sleeping, 10% worrying, 15% putting up with family bullshit (usually rather unhappy here or at least extremely frusrated), and 24% self induce dazed (walking, driving, surfing the internet, eating, watching TV, anything during which I can let my mind escape from thinking about my life)

2:21:28 AM

thegurlwholived: When I think deep thoughts like these I feel it may not be so bad if Armaggedon was next year

2:24:28 AM

thegurlwholived: What’s the point anyway? Go to school, work my ass off, get a degree, get a job, work my ass off, pay my bills, barely scrape by, get a better job, pay my bills, save up for one thing or another but still never be completely financialy secure, retire, struggle financially, get a crappy job, struggle financially, hate job, retire, die

2:24:52 AM

thegurlwholived: Why?

2:26:45 AM

thegurlwholived: If some movie type thing occured where I had to go on a quest or something or be torn away from my everyday life I would take it so fast your head would spin

2:28:14 AM

thegurlwholived: really the way I feel generally would be perfectly described by Avril Lavigne’s song ‘With You’

2:28:50 AM

thegurlwholived: Which coincidentally I have on my ‘Life soundtract’ I had to make last year

2:32:08 AM

thegurlwholived: If someone’s reading this trying to figure me out that would be a good place to look, all those songs spoke to me or about how I feel. I did have to write a paper explaining it, it’s still in my documents, though i burned the original so noone could read it. My computer password is stil 1-6 right now so anyone could read it but I don;t think they will and if they actually care enough to look through my computer to try and figure me out and have the patience to read that stuff then they deserve to know and I would like someone to know how I feel inside.

2:36:01 AM

thegurlwholived: I could come up with imaginary correspondence friends like Anne Frank in her diary (how sad is it I feel so emotionally isolated that I compare myself to someone who lived cooped up inside a wall for months?). I could writer a letter to Gideon screaming at him for leaving me and Reid. I could write one to Horatio telling him everything that’s happen since I ‘went away to univeristy’ and promising that I haven’t started partying instead of studying.

2:42:51 AM

thegurlwholived: To Kakashi explaining my reconassaince in the Sound Village is going well. To Bruce berating him for bugging my dorm and running background checks on all my associates. An e-mail to Mac expressing how I hope we can get together for lunch tomorrow to discuss an…issue I’m having and maybe he can help.

2:44:21 AM

thegurlwholived: A note on the fridge to Eric telling him he isn;t the boss of me and I’m going out to the movies with friends

2:48:11 AM

thegurlwholived: A missive to professor Snape explaining (weakly) why McGonagall took House Points because I’m too afraid to face him in person.

July 7, 2011

Weight angst. I didn’t mention that i was a biggie but surprise surprise.

10:10:36 PM

thegurlwholived: I haven’t really addressed my weight issue much on here but just for the record I fucking hate it, escpecially now that I’m like 260

10:12:49 PM

thegurlwholived: Pat wanted me to weigh Olly the other day and since we don’t have a dog scale the only way you can do that is to weigh yourself and then subtract your total with them from your original. I try REALLY hard to loose weight, I do. I’m terrible at exercising because I always feel like people are staring at me and laughing, a hold out from school, i’m sure

10:13:49 PM

thegurlwholived: Most of the time i think before i eat something and allot of the time I go to eat something and then i change my mind because it has too many calories

10:19:17 PM

thegurlwholived: It’s just difficult for me to loose weight without exercise because i have a slow metabolism. The only way I ever lost weight was when i ws on a 1200 calorie a day diet and for a person my age that wasn’t even healthy, i was in the middle of my biggest growth period when your suppose to eat like 2500 calories a day and it still took me 2 years to loose 20 pounds (though i also grew a great deal, probably around 6 inches if i had to guess from 10-12). I probably lost weight so slowly (in addition to no exercise) I felt so deprived the things I would eat were always LOADED with calories (a whole box of potatoe skins, a jar of chili, ice cream ect.) so i ate very few things but really high in fat. Now I try to snack, though I don’t eat breakfast and still exercise very little

10:20:33 PM

thegurlwholived: and I try to eat better for you things but not on a calorie counter. It proved to be basically impossible to truthfully record calorie count when we eat out allot and you can’t really guess how many calories are in things

10:22:32 PM

thegurlwholived: But i just keep steadily gaining no matter how much I try, even though i’m probably much more nutritionally balanced than I was before since I actually eat salad and vegetables and i try not to eat everything on my plate and such. And it just ruins my self esteem it makes me feel like such a cow

10:23:06 PM

thegurlwholived: like I’m helpless to stop myself from getting huge

10:26:27 PM

thegurlwholived: no matter how much grilled chiken and steamed vegetables i eat I always seem to stay pretty steady, loose 2 pounds here gain 3 there. But it just gets away from me because I seem to only go back and forth but really it’s very slowly going up. I started gaining weight in the spring semester of 7th grade and by 8th grade I’d gone from 180 to 200 and then 225 and I slowed down for a while there but then I was 235 and by junior year in october I was 245 and then 250 and now I’m hovering around 260

10:27:42 PM

thegurlwholived: when Pat asked me to weigh Olly and i got on and i weighed 280 (with him) all I could think was how long it would take me to get there myself, a month, a year?

10:29:38 PM

thegurlwholived: and of course 280 is close enough to 300 and then that brings up fears of ending up looking like one of those morbidly obese pitiful people. It doesn’t help that my grandmother who has always been heavier than me is now like 235 or something

10:30:21 PM

thegurlwholived: I feel like such garbage

10:32:43 PM

thegurlwholived: In 7th grade I wore like every XL and even a couple L, wondering when I’d get small enough to fit most Ls and now some 2X are even a little tight andmost of my stuff is XL and 2X, L far gone from consideration

10:32:59 PM

thegurlwholived: Sometimes i just hate myself

10:33:54 PM

thegurlwholived: and i wonder if i’ll ever be normal size or even just 180 like I use to be, that would be so wonderful, especially since I’m like 3 or 4” taller now

10:37:32 PM

thegurlwholived: Occationally I’ll get a little kick of exercising bug and I’ll force myself to do 20 leglifts for each leg or 50 situps but I just can’t bring myself to let anyone see me exercising unless someone else is there to distract me from the constant inner monolouge or paranoia that people are probably laughing or they would if they could see, they’d mock me from trying or they’d snicker because i looked funny doing it or it was harder for me than it would be for them

10:38:50 PM

thegurlwholived: I wish we had the money for a gym membership like we use to have so i could force someone to come with me so i could get in some exercise

10:39:58 PM

thegurlwholived: I have a car and license now so i could go alone but I don’t have the money and neither do they and I can guarentee that noone would want to come

10:42:06 PM

thegurlwholived: they’d be too busy, and i am too during the school year. I feel like I’m trapped in a neverending circle of misery and self loathing

10:42:56 PM

thegurlwholived: I could walk, but walking doesn’t even really get your heart rate up unless you walk really far and running I feel like a sideshow. a treadmill would be good, but again now money

10:44:35 PM

thegurlwholived: We have an eliptical machine or something in the basement but I don’t think that’s the same movement as actaully running but I could clear away the crap from it and try to do that for a while and watch an episode of some show or something

10:44:53 PM

thegurlwholived: Prop the computer up on a box or pile of crap

10:45:43 PM

thegurlwholived: I’m going to try that right now….right after I clean my face up so if someone comes to see what the hell i’m doing then I won’t look like i just spent half an hour crying

Old Post + List of things I’ll miss from childhood

I will continue to edit this list as I think of more stuff.

1:25:25 AM

thegurlwholived: I am making a list of all the things i’m going to miss about being a kid…..it’s a long list, you can fins it on here

1:27:32 AM

thegurlwholived: I don’t have the patience to encrypt anything. i’m sure a psychitrist would say that the reall reason is i secretly want to be found out. That’;s partially true, I guess but really if they actually care enough to look then they deserve to know and yes I would like someone to know, anyone but there’s just no one I trust

1:28:04 AM

thegurlwholived: Anyway, i am actually crying writing this fucking list

1:29:29 AM

thegurlwholived: I mean some of it is serious, some silly, but still. I am so sentimental and pitiful that I can sit here and cry, mourn over something as simple as turning 18 and out growing some trivial childhood practices

1:30:34 AM

thegurlwholived: I don;t know what’s wrong with me, this can’t be normal, but i’ve learned never to expect normal from myself anyway

1:31:58 AM

thegurlwholived: I wonder if most people have these sorts of internal conflicts or if it’s just me

The List of Things I’ll Miss about Being a Kid

• Waiting anxiously for the next Harry Potter movie/book to come out
• Nap time
• Snack time
• Homework taking all of 10 minutes
• Seeing a kid in a movie who’s fictitious life I’m am jealous of and actually being the right age to imagine myself in their place
• Hoping to get a Hogwarts letter
• Imagining when I’m going back to school that it is that year at Hogwarts (10^th grade = 5^th year)
• Referring to my senior year AP exams as N.E.W.T.S.
• Some of the cooler teachers that I was friends with
• Being carefree
• Not having to/being expected to drive
•  Looking forward to the future
• Being able to enjoy inane, immature humor in cartoons and movies
• Not caring about my appearance and not having anyone else care either
• Having an imagination so powerful that, at night, you could literally convince yourself that the shadowy pile of clothes in the corner was a monster
• Not even being remotely concerned about money
• The kind of optimism that if you try hard that you really can achieve anything
• Having all your friends be on the same page with you and not being bothered with having a social or love life
• Not being worried about my weight because if I could keep it steady then eventually I would grow into it
• Never even seriously considering being older than 12
• Imagining that when I hit puberty I would finally get my mutant powers and move to the X mansion
• Being the same age or younger as the people in the shows you like to watch on TV
• Getting special attention at restaurants
• Being considered ‘cute’
• Getting lollipops at the Bank
• Getting the child tickets at the movie theater
• Elementary school
• Recess instead of gym
• Being fascinated by the toys at Wal-Mart
• The ‘fort’ in Pat’s closet
• Going to the Mall with Pat on the weekends
• Getting excited over the little things
• Going to Girl Scout Camp
• Always being ahead of the curve
• Cluefinders and JumpStart Games
• People my same age not being complete dunderheads
• Imagining one of my teachers might become something like a surrogate father
• Having time to take elective classes
• Actually being stoked enough about the toy in the happy meal to order it even though it won’t fill you up
• Having Saturday morning cartoons that were actually good enough to warrant getting up at 7am on a Saturday
• Not bleeding once a month
• Coloring books
• Story books with the sound effect buttons
• Invader Zim
• Rugrats
• The original Yu-Gi-Oh
• Xiaolin Showdown
• Magic Tree House books
• Magic School Bus books
• Being considered too young to be privy to less savory family secrets
• Never even remembering a time when your mother wasn’t the most exemplary person you’d ever known
• Ice cream days at school on Fridays
• Watching Zoom and thinking it was awesome
• Enjoying Barney
• Enjoying Mr. Rogers
• Enjoying Dora the Explorer
• Cyberchase
• Hey Arnold
• Catdog
• Going down the swirly slide
• Playing in the play places at fast food restaurants
• Thinking that anything and everything available in the entire world can be purchased at the Mall right next to your house
• Thinking that anything and everything that you could ever want can be purchased with $200
• Being astonished at your family’s wealth when you go to the bank with your parents and they take out $100
• Loving toys and their silly effects enough to spend 30 min in the toy isle at wal-mart
• Playing volleyball/dodgeball with the huge beach ball size balls that come out of the ceiling high container at wal-mart
• Having sword fights in the middle of the store with a cheap plastic toys
• Making sounds effects for stuff you mime doing and not feeling silly about it
• Not being so familiar with TV/movie plots that you can nearly always guess the ending before half the story is up
• Being one of the youngest out of your family members
• When you could actually seriously consider yourself still pretty young because people your same age weren’t getting pregnant yet
• When you were in a group of friends having a humorous, sexually related conversation and they didn’t  begin to discuss personal sexual experiences
• Getting read to
• Feeling like you’re in on a huge, privileged secret when you got to go to a high school or college campus
• Imagining you could actually graduate valedictorian from Harvard
• Being excited about you’re next birthday
• X Men Evolution
• Watching Dragonball Z and not realizing how stupid it is that Goku is the only one who doesn’t have to obey any of the ‘Universe laws’
• The smugness that comes from being ‘ahead of your time’ and developing faster than others
• Being ecstatic that you were over a head taller than everyone else
• Show and Tell being an exciting day of school instead of sounding just plain dirty
• Enjoying Sesame Street
• The feeling of getting away with something when you managed to watch South Park
• Avatar: The Last Airbender
• Being enthralled enough with a movie to watch it a million times and still be interested the next day
• When Futurama wasthe funniest show on television
• Macaulay Culkin being cute
• Arnold Schwarzenegger being a good action hero
• Roseanne
• The Cosby Show
• Gilligan’s Island
• I Love Lucy
• Home Improvement the show
• Family Matters
• Growing Pains
• Golden Girls
• Reading and loving Dr. Seuss
• Powerpuff Girls
• Wishing the Cat in the Hat would come to your house
• When villains were to be pitied, laughed at and even sneered at but never truly feared because the good guy always won in the end
• The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
• Even if you were bigger than most kids grown up clothes were still HUGE on you
• Being able to retreat inside that Winnie the Pooh coat like a turtle; arms, legs, head, everything fit inside
• Believing in Santa and all the other fictional entities
• Throwing birdseed onto the roof because your parents told you it was ‘Reindeer food’
• When taking the time to play board games was the absolute best thing your parents and siblings could do for you EVER
• When they asked you who you’d vote for President and you based your decision on the only thing you knew; how they looked
• A tank of gas cost about $20
• Chocolate  and ice cream were your favorite foods and it didn’t seem to matter how much you ate, you never got sick or hyper
• You could get anywhere you could possibly want to go by car in under a couple hours
• The best vacation was to some kind of amusement park
• Getting to hug the giant ‘characters’ at parks was actually something that you wanted to do
• No matter how many years your parents had taken you to the local fair none of the rides ever got old
• The conundrum of why you couldn’t move, even with no harness in the centrifugal force spaceship ride  was enough to demand a ride any and every time you saw it at a fair, park or parking lot
• The REAL original Loony Toons
• Tom and Jerry
• Space Jam
• Who Framed Roger Rabbit
• When anything over a week or two was ‘forever ago’
• All dogs were cool and must be petted and cooed over
• Anytime you discovered something new that you liked whatever it was was like the Holy Grail and the only thing that interested you for some time
• If you liked a character or person it meant that you should try and integrate some of their mannerisms with your own
• It was the best moment in your short life if you knew something your parents didn’t know and you were only too eager to share it
• Learning Spanish was fun because all you really did was sing songs
• Keenan and Kell
• The original All That
• Loving Winnie the Pooh
• Not being too proud or grown up to ask for a hug when you really need one and not just jokingly
• Having irrational fears and then having equally irrational reasons to get over those fears instead of getting over them because you realize they’re irrational
• Feeling so close to God that you can ask him for any old thing (even if you don’t need it) instead of only going to him when you’re in deep shit
• Acknowledging your needs instead of always trying to explain them away or cover them up
• Being able to watch Kids Next Door and imagine you were an operative
• Not having to write long ass papers
• When there was some type of writing assignment, it was writing a story based on some prompt

 

Old Post

This is from this summer, shortly after I turned 18 so we’re starting to catch up to the present.

thegurlwholived: It’s starting to register with me that I’m ‘an adult’ now. I don’t feel any different really but I guess there’s a kind of….weariness and aprehension. I felt the same way when I turned 13, like everything’s just moving too fast.

1:06:50 AM

thegurlwholived: Sortof like driving down the highway on auto pilot and ending up at you desintation before you even realize it.

1:07:49 AM

thegurlwholived: It amazes me how much you take something for granted until it’s gone. My senior year, high school, childhood….it’s all gone.

1:08:50 AM

thegurlwholived: Sometimes I just want a moment where you can scream stop and everything grows quiet and still for a few moments.

1:11:44 AM

thegurlwholived: Hiding myself has become routine now. I can only compare it with perhaps how a pedophile grows up surpressing their urges.

1:14:28 AM

thegurlwholived: Must I live with this forever? Will I, someday, live a normal, suburban life with a husband and two and a half kids sustaining myself on vitamins and vallium? Or even worse, will I become one of those morbidly obese hill-billy mother’s like Gilbert Grape’s mom, miserable from an life of unfullfillment, satisfied only by uncontrolable eating.

1:15:12 AM

thegurlwholived: Regular life seems so boring, like I’m slowly working towards nothingness

1:17:56 AM

thegurlwholived: Is that my destiny or will I find something interesting to do with my life. Honestly it feels like we’re all puppets on a string and I’m the only one that can see the puppeteer

1:19:39 AM

thegurlwholived: I relish the thought of going to college, I know I produce my best work under the pressure of a respected authority figure’s approval.

1:20:52 AM

thegurlwholived: Being juged on my work forces me to…..try and impress I suppose. I generally don’t feed off attention but every once and a while I need a bone so to speak

1:24:01 AM

thegurlwholived: Plus I feel proud of myself when I get back a good mark. Not to mention the way learning forces me to expand my horizons like I’d never do on my own. It’s really the only thing that can pull me from my standard state of idle.

1:26:00 AM

thegurlwholived: mental stimulation seems to be the only thing that can truely capture my attention. Anything physical seems to be automatically deemed a waste of time unless it also requires some thought or is the most effiecient means to an ends.

1:27:18 AM

thegurlwholived: I always thought I got the best of both worlds, above average inteligence but just so that my social abilities are workable, rough but workable

1:30:09 AM

thegurlwholived: Of course i’ve always wanted to be even smarter but I was grateful also that I hadn’t been debilitated by the gifts like the ‘geniuses’ have been. Smart enough to make a good life for myself and impress those arounf me but sadly probably not enough to make a worldwide difference.

1:30:48 AM

thegurlwholived: But I’m starting to wonder if i was right. Maybe I’ve been handicapped in other ways

1:32:39 AM

thegurlwholived: My mind spins with so many possibilities but I don’t have the back ground information the details to really analyze them. or even enough time in the world to learn it all if I tried

1:33:26 AM

thegurlwholived: People scare me, I’m always afraid of being hurt, constantly asessing ways that they could potentially.

1:35:38 AM

thegurlwholived: Following all the big decisions out comes to the point of excess and pointlessness. I mean I never dated in middle school (and still haven’t) because I find it highly unlikely of finding a one true mate so soon and more probable that I willl simply be emotionally scared from the experience

1:37:53 AM

thegurlwholived: Doing anything unless it wll lead to a long term computed success or a short term allieviation of my boredom is taxing in itself (even picking up the phone to talk to someone I don’t know ellicts a sigh because I know nothing productive for me can come from the endeavor)

1:39:01 AM

thegurlwholived: Like I said I thought I was fairly lucky but I’m beginning to reconsider, unpon further inspection.

1:41:24 AM

thegurlwholived: To sum it up I fear I may be one very large computer storing up energy and memory for one great purpose that gasn’t yet found me and may never, in the end. Blowing off the little things to work toward the big ONE THING, but what if the little things are all we have and I don’t even have the ability to enjoy them?

Old Post

Just some test I took online a long time ago that had scarily accurate results.

2:43:52 PM

thegurlwholived: Your Existing Situation
Feeling stressed out due to her current situation and the demands which are placed on her. Working to release herself from all things that hold her back or tie her down.

2:44:04 PM

thegurlwholived: Your Stress Sources
“Looking to stand out in the crowd and wanting to keep her rank and status. her current situation is irritating her because she can’t seem to find anybody out there who values the same high standards she does. she is feeling isolated and wants to give in to her carnal urges, but can’t bring herself to appear weak in the eyes of others. Wants others to see her unique qualities and character but can’t stand to come off as needy, so instead she has an “”I don’t care”” attitude and pushing people away. she turns her back on those who criticizes her behavior, but beneath her indifference is a person who is in desperate need of approval.”

2:44:16 PM

thegurlwholived: Your Restrained Characteristics
“Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence.”

2:44:24 PM

thegurlwholived: Applies tough standards to her potential partner and demands an unrealistic perfection in her sex life.
His arrogance causes her to take offense quickly. Only those closest to her know deep down she is sensitive and sentimental.

2:44:33 PM

thegurlwholived: Your Desired Objective
“Looking to make a good impression and be recognized for her achievements. she has a strong need to feel appreciated and look up to. she is very sensitive and will be hurt if she is rejected, unnoticed, or not given adequate acknowledgement.”

2:44:42 PM

thegurlwholived: Your Actual Problem
“Has been disappointed and let down, believes it is pointless to come up with new goals as they will most likely disappoint as well. Needs to be recognized and respected, but is worried about the future. Reacts by avoiding situations where she will be criticizes or others will attempt to influence her. Tries to take charge of the situation by controlling the details and strengthen her position. “

2:44:56 PM

thegurlwholived: Your Actual Problem #2
“Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself.”

2:45:16 PM

thegurlwholived: This test is surprisingly good

Old Post

3:21:36 AM

thegurlwholived: And now an excerpt from and NCIS fanfic I read that reallt gets me: “Ziva, what your father did. . . it’s not right. But that is his fault, not yours. I can understand why you would feel guilty for what happened to Ar. . .your brother, but it was not your fault that your father was a barbaric bastard who didn’t care enough to show you right from wrong or to punish your brother with even an ounce of humanity. But Ziva, you need to put the past behind you and move on. Accept that you were just a little girl and that there was nothing you could have done to change what happened, and know that, even if you lacked parental guidance as a child, you have me and Jenny and Ducky now who all care more than enough about you to put you on the right path and not let you get away with reckless behaviour

3:21:50 AM

thegurlwholived: like swinging through trees, because trust me baby girl, if you ever think about doing that your backside will be just as sore as your brothers was!”

Ziva giggled slightly and Gibbs smiled.

“But, notice that it will only be your backside that hurts. I promise that I will never smack you anywhere else. There’s a line between discipline and abuse and I will not cross it, I promise. You can trust me Ziva. This will hurt for a while but there will be no lasting damage and when we’re done here it’s all over and you have no need to feel guilty any more. Okay?” He held his hand out to her.

Nervously, she put her small hand into his large one and nodded. “Okay.”

3:22:07 AM

thegurlwholived: sooooo cute T~T

12:31:38 AM

thegurlwholived: Momma wanted to read my explainations for a songtrack of our lives we had to make for English I couldn’t let her but I told her most of the bits and then burned the evidence. A copy is still on this computer but it doesn’t really have the whole truth either, most but not all. I skipped all the spanko stuff. Just know that most of the God/mentor songs are talking about finding/looking for/realizing I need a spanking mentor. I didn’t make up the God part for the paper I really need him too but I guess I feel like I need a closer guiding figure since he can’t really send down warning and punishments and encouragement for everything I do, he does have the entire world to look after. I pray all the time that he watches over my family, because we need it. Our whole family is balancing on a knif

12:31:42 AM

thegurlwholived: blade

12:33:10 AM

thegurlwholived: one tip and balance would be completely screwed. I need stability, I need a constant, a mentor, a friend, a teacher, a father figure. Anyone?

12:36:41 AM

thegurlwholived: As a cynical I know that what’s more likely to happen is I’ll eventually become so desperate I’ll over look all the warning signs and flaws and end up meeting with a completely wrong person and end up getting hurt in one way or another. I’ve already figured out my safety net though. I’m going to tell my sister that I’m going on a blind date and that I have to call her at regular intervals or something. I’ll take a pic of his license and send it to my email too. He’d have to be stupid to do anything to me. Plus I plan on meeting a few times in a coffee shop or something first. And allot of chat before that

12:37:38 AM

thegurlwholived: It really makes me paranoid when these guys start talking about meeting me and I barely know them or even if we have talked a while they keep pushing and not paying attention to the fact that I’m not comfortable

12:39:35 AM

thegurlwholived: And telling me that you have kids and wouldn’t spank them but you would like to spank me also sets off a huge alarm. I mean I want a parental relationship if you don’t/won’t spank your kids because you can’t veiw spanking as a 100% nonsexual punishment then I don’t want my ass anywhere near you

12:41:16 AM

thegurlwholived: And don’t keep asking me sexual questions like ‘am I afraid it’ll turn me on’ . I mean asking that once is legitimate i guess but continuing to push like you expect me to feel that or you’re going to try and make me feel that or you’re going to be feeling that way is also a BIG NO.

12:43:00 AM

thegurlwholived: Jeezus I’ve specifically said that I want parental nonsexual discipline if you can’t be in that mindset while you’re doing it then I’m not going to be getting those vibes and then I’m going to get really uncomfortable. I don’t want someone whose attempting to push down their arousal the whole time I want them focused on the purpose of the spanking.