There’s a Reason for the Closet

My Grandmother and I were watching an episode of ‘Cold Case’ together tonight and somehow that managed to turn into one of the biggest arguments we’ve ever had. I’ve revealed before, on this blog, how bigoted and close-mindedly judgmental she is but tonight took the cake. The case was from back in the 50s or so and there was this girl who never wanted to dress up like a girl and she liked the same things guys liked (cars ect.) and in truth she really reminded me of myself; independent, didn’t care what other people thought, tomboy. She wasn’t gay or anything just a tomboy, didn’t want to wear dresses or lipstick (just like me) and so it really struck home for me. She got kicked out of schools because she got bullied and taunted and tortured by both girls and boys.

One day her father got fed up with her ‘getting in trouble’ and put her in a mental hospital in the ‘gender disorder’ ward. They electro shocked her because she didn’t want to put on lipstick and practice ‘being a lady’. She didn’t even know what would happen if she didn’t obey but they didn’t care. The very first time they shocked her until she was a zombie. They shocked her with such a high voltage she couldn’t hardly sit up and while she was incapacitated they put her in a short red dress that looked like it belonged to a hooker.

I was so infuriated by this episode, I told my grandmother that I hate people because they are so ignorant. She told me the girl was stupid because she should have pretended to do what they want until they let her out but she only got shocked once, she didn’t even know what they were going to do, she just stood up and threw the lipstick and said there was nothing wrong with her. That’s what I thought too, that girl could’ve been me! She was standing up for what she believed and they pretty  much killed her for it and my grandmother just kept saying that she should have pretended, which I agree, I probably would have pretended to get out of there but they practically lobotomized after one treatment.

I kept telling my grandmother that she was just trying to be who she was (thinking all the time that I wish I didn’t have to hide being a spanko) but she wouldn’t hear it and I kept insisting that people shouldn’t have to hide who they are. I compared it to Christians being fed to lions in the old days if they refused to renounce their religion. She (a devout baptist) critically and bitterly insisted it wasn’t the same. I told her that they were standing up for their beliefs, for the right to not have to hide who they are and to be able to live in peace.

She told me that what that girl was doing back then was like me dating a black person back in those times and I told her that if I fell in love with a black person I sure as hell would date them, then or now. Needless to say we argued heatedly (me thinking about what she would think of me if she found out I was a spanko) and we somehow started to get into race relations.

I went to middle and high school in a predominately black neighborhood. Middle school was HORRIBLE but it wasn’t because the people were black it was because all middle school age children are horrible and mean spirited angry individuals. She wouldn’t listen to a word I said, she actually said that desegregation helped black people to get a better education and that was good but didn’t help one single white person. I told her that diversity was good and it helped the white kids not grow up to be bigots.

I continued to stress that people shouldn’t be prosecuted for being born a certain race or for what they believe in. I brought up multiple examples like Jewish people being put in concentration camps and tortured and killed and Christians being fed to lions in ancient times for not converting and people being beaten and killed for standing up for women and civil rights. She said things have changed now and I said yes BECAUSE PEOPLE STOOD UP AND MADE CHANGE, that change didn’t happen without people not being satisfied with injustice that was present.

She said that people had to suffer for change and if you wanted a good life you had to ‘go with the flow’ I told her I would always stand up for what I believe. She said yes but you wouldn’t want to go live in a black community or something to make it better and I pointed out to her that earlier this year I was trying to sign up to go live in a third world country during this next summer and try to make life for people living there better (we didn’t have enough money to afford the trip but I tried). She said that was ‘the least selfish thing I’d ever said’ and that she was surprised because ‘I didn’t show that kind of initiative at home’. I nearly cried right there because my grandmother basically called me a stubborn, selfish brat and if i never did before, I knew then that I’d never be able to tell her about being a spanko, she never understands. She doesn’t even get that people should stand up for what they believe so they don’t have to live in hiding, that it’s not right that anyone has to live this way. She acted like gay people having to marry and then cheat on their spouse with same sex partners so satisfy their needs was the way it should be, she said change isn’t always for the better, she acted like people should do whatever they want as long as they keep it a secret and don’t ‘rock the boat’.

When I told her things were different now because of that suffering she said ‘not really’, that if I walked down the street holding hands with a black man that people would think ‘Well I know what he’s doing with her but what in the hell is she thinking, I know she could do better’. I couldn’t believe she said that, I told her the only people that would have a problem with it was old people like her, I admit that was a bit harsh but look at what she was saying! I couldn’t hold my tongue, all the time I am holding my tongue around her but she was saying people shouldn’t stand up for themselves, should just go along with society because that’s how things are done and should just sneak around to be themselves. She said ‘fuck you’ literally and walked off.

I don’t agree with that, I know that it’s wrong to persecute people for how they look or what they believe, I’m a nonsexual spanko damnit and a tomboy and I’ll marry whatever man I fall in love with, Black, White, Japanese, Muslim, Hindu I don’t care. I had half  a mind to tell her right then what I am but I knew then they’d just write it off as me rebelling for the sake of rebelling or for the sake of ‘shock value’ or something, never mind that I’ve had these feelings since I was a small child. Sometimes I really can’t stand to be around my family, I mean I just had to argue over 2000 years worth of injustice with my grandma and had her tell me ‘fuck you’. I really just need one person, just one I can talk to who won’t judge me or demand things from me I can’t give. I can’t even cry in front of my family, even though my mother’s in jail, my sister’s struggling keeping her job, the only job anybody in this household has and my own grandmother, the person most like myself in temperament and personality, just said ‘fuck you’ and walked away.

That’s what life and society holds for us spankos, it just says ‘fuck you’ and leaves you there hurting, without an outlet, feeling like a freak.

 

Never ending shit storm.

Here I sit watching my grandmother sob over the verdict that was handed down today on my mother.

They say she has to serve 9 months in jail minus the month she’s already served and good behavior and whatever. She’ll probably get out by July but we’re already struggling financially, we are going to have to use my mom’s 401K from the job she just got fired from (approximately 1 years salary)  to keep us up until she gets out and I’ve been looking desperately for a job that will fit around my full time student schedule. The reality is I’ll probably end up using what little money I’ve saved (and this summer, inherited) to keep us afloat. We’ll be ok for a few months for certain but unless we can get something going I don’t know what will happen.

My mother had allot of problems before I was born but by the time I was 3 she was turning her life around, going to college full time, raising my sister and I and having a job. I honestly don’t know how she did it all alone. She was ok until a few years ago when she started to slip back into old habits it culminated a couple years ago when she started really slipping nearly getting fired from her old job, thankfully she got laid off BEFORE she could get fired so she didn’t get any bad rep. Things have still been kind of rocky since then, a few DUI’s but this last one apparently was the last straw for her.

We’re all pretty concerned, especially my grandmother and I because we’re the ‘stable’ ones of the family. The ones who never get into crap. Without clear focus my sister goes crazy and does stupid shit. My uncle just got out of jail a couple years ago from a series of stupid things he did as a teenager.

I have got to get away from this family, it’s corrosive. I wish I didn’t have to watch my grandmother suffer but I don’t see any way either of us can escape. If we did leave it’s a strong possibility that my sister and mother would descend into a downward spiral.

My family has been laying burdens on my shoulders that I was too young to handle since I was 12 years old, nothing’s changed, the burdens just seem to keep getting bigger and more serious. I can’t take all their problems and my own no one should have to go through this.

Back to the Present….

My mother is still in jail from getting caught on that DUI from this summer she is almost certainly going to loose her job and I am now looking for a job so we can keep our house because my sister and I will be the only ones bringing in a cash flow. My mother is awaiting court to sentence her probably something minor like paying a fine or something but because the new DUI was a probation violation from an old DUI in Florida they took her to Florida and are holding without bond because it’s out of state.

In short our primary bread winner is going to loose her job over a fine or even time served from being in jail awaiting the court date. Just have to keep a positive outlook I guess.

Old Post

My junior year of high school I took some very difficult APs so I was pretty stressed so some of these old posts are a bit morose.

8:29:05 PM

thegurlwholived: Also I must say that sometimes I literally just feel like a useless blob of lard, living a purposeless existance and like none of it’s worth it. I’m not suicidal or anything, I’ve never really considered that, though I have imagined what it would be like to simply drop dead and the peace it would bring me, not having to worry about anything any more. Still, I’d never kill myself, that just seems even more pitiful. Any way, getting back to the point, sometimes I need someone to encourage me and NOT have soul crushing resposes like ‘I love you anyways’ and ‘I told you that someday you were going to hit a wall’ which says to me ‘even though your a dumbass, I love you because it’s my obligation as part of your family’ and ‘I knew you weren’t good enough and that one day you’d fuck up’

8:35:24 PM

thegurlwholived: I need someone that will provide a steady puch in the right direction while still consoling me when I fail. I know you guys, I have to be around you the rest of my life, sometimes I just don’t want to tell you how insecure and vulnerable I am. Most of the time I am a solid wall of rock but every now and then (with incresing frequency since I’ve joined the damned APs) I am delt a crushing blow that makes me want to curl up in a ball and sob my eyes out. This usually happens whenever I have failed myself, fallen short of my own expectations. I don’t really want anyone to know when that happens, and I know if I tell one of you, it’s the same as telling all of you, it’ll be like a rumor at school and soon everyone in the family will be privy.

8:37:46 PM

thegurlwholived: I can’t handle that, I need one person to cinfide in, just one and I’ll be ok. One that will be able to comfort me, punish me when I’ve failed because of my own bad choices, and generally be able to have an open conversation with.

8:42:05 PM

thegurlwholived: You’re all nice and I love you but you’re all either too needy, too critical , or just generally inadequate in one of my oter parameters. Also I confess my faith in some of my family has been greatly diminished because of their less than legal activites, or when they choose to inform me of some other radical behavior of which is inappropriate or unacceptable. I love knowledge and I’d give up all my limbs just to get a little smarter but in some cases ignorance really is bliss and I really DON’T want to know.

Old Post

This is an old entry from my personal journal. I apologize in advance for any teenage angst you may encounter in the next few posts. Old posts will appear in italics and remain unedited accept for things that would give away mine or others identity. I won’t even edit out the typos so there is more realism.

6:32:50 PM

thegurlwholived: Just incase my parents descide to go through my message history, or I am kindapped and the police are trying to figure out who has taken me i am going to write this to myself. I have been unable to resist my spanko urges and so have got into contact with a spanking mentor, as you may have already determined, his username is (censor). He says he lives in Huntersville just outside Charlotte, he is married with four children, two biological and two step. I have tried my hardest to be sure of his identity and I believe we will soon meet in public. Know that these desires are absolutely unsexual in nature and he is a mentor, not some 33 year old sugar daddy. His function as you may find for yourself is to act as someone to keep me on track both in regular life and at school and help me with big descisions

6:33:45 PM

thegurlwholived: sortof as a parent but also as a mentor, a counselor, a friend, someone I can tell anything to, and count on to get a fair and helpful consequence from, good or bad.

6:37:59 PM

thegurlwholived: We have been in contact since late September and I have come to trust him for the most part, the idea of meeting in pubic scares me, but I did plan on meeting eventally. I hope I will not have to lie to you guys in order to do that, because then I will feel awful. I’ve been dealing with these feelings since I was a small child and believe I have done well in consealing them. You guys seem to frown upon anything out of the ordinary and are addmittedly somewhat bigotted but I love you even though i could not share this secret with you.

6:41:30 PM

thegurlwholived: I hope the guy turns out everything he says he is and everything I want him to be, I’m being as careful as I know how. I’ve know him for over a month now and he seems nice, stern but fair. At first I lied about my name and age, as belive it or not minors are frowned upon on spanko websites and they’d ban me in a second if they found out I was underage. Do not block them for allowing me on there because they do not know. My mentor deduced this after talking to me for a while and found out my real name from sending him yahoo e-mails which apparently show you’re real name in the other persons inbox.

6:42:46 PM

thegurlwholived: His name is Jon Bartlett, he is suppose to be a chef going to college, night classes I think as he has claimed to be going to class at 6 pm

6:44:26 PM

thegurlwholived: He told me his phone number early on when we first made contact and I have never called it for fear of giving him my number but I did reverse trace it back and it does say that it is based in Huntersville, so he was truthful about that at least.

6:49:31 PM

thegurlwholived: I allowed him to believe I lived in (censor) for a while but recently (as our meeting has drawn closer and closer) i have revealed that i live in (censor), even giving him my real zip code. If we do meet it’ll have to be him coming up here as I can’t even drive by myself yet but I am going to try my hardest to be safe and not end up getting abducted by some weirdo pedo guy. most of them are oppurtunists so I don’t think they’d have waited this long, and when we do meet it will be in an extremely public place, like the library or for lunch, or the movies. I’m hoping if someone is reading this it doesn’t mean that the police are going through my computer trying to find out who has kidnapped me, if so i must not be a very good judge of character.

6:55:27 PM

thegurlwholived: also I must add that I have saved nearly every message between the two of us so you can read them for yourselves. I have turned the message archive on so that it saves everything but the first few conversations will be missing because I didn’t turn it on until after a few chats with him. The majority should be there and i hope if i really have been kidnapped or something you can use then to track/profile and catch the son of a bitch.

7:59:20 PM

thegurlwholived: This had sortof acted as my private, insurance policy and confession I suppose. No onw will ever read it…or at least I hope not, because if they do it’ll mean outing my condition if I’m still alive and if not, well obviously I don’t treasure that thought.

8:05:24 PM

thegurlwholived: I never did say that I broke it off with (censor), but he was just too close. Nothing really ‘alerted’ me to suspision or anything but he was much too expectant. He wanted to meet me, he pressed a little too hard and it may have just been egerness but I’m being hyperaware as far as mentors go. This isn’t like my RPs, where it didn’t matter who i got as long as we liked the same idea and were able to compose believable, interesting stories. I’m trusting him with my very essence, my real self, my thoughts, aspirations, fears, flaws, everything except for my real age and name. If we are still in contact when I am 18 I will have no qualms of telling then becasue it will not be illegal then. I imagine if we are I’ll want to meet in public then, and it’ll be my first spanking since I was 9.

In the Beginning…

I am starting this blog to chronicle my secret spanko life.

I’ve always been fascinated with spanking since I can remember. I never wanted my parents to spank me, I was afraid of that just like everyone else (because they did spank me when I was small). I missed it though, when they stopped because they tended to hold things over my head instead of letting them go, I felt like everything bad I ever did never went away unless they spanked me for it, because not only was it held over my head I still felt bad about it myself.

I was mesmerized whenever I saw a spanking element on TV (and still am really) I see it everywhere even when it’s not particularly implied, I can see the possibilities. For instance, when (in a TV show) a kind of parental or at least mentor relationship is established I can see instances where there might’ve been a spanking. Like on CSI:New York when Danny screws up I can imagine Mac spanking him. I see it all over the place, it makes me (and allot of other spankos) inspired to write fanfiction, it’s like the secret story-behind-the-story that no one else can see but us.

Anyway I started trying to find spanking stuff online and I found the fanfiction and I loved it. I had already been reading it but then I found out there were ones with spanking and I was hooked. I never liked to watch spanking fetish porn or read those stories because I’m not at all into that stuff. I desire 100% platonic, parental disciplinary spanking from a mentor type figure. Admittedly I’m only seeking a man (a much older one) and some might read too much into that but I believe it’s because I never had a father figure. Trust me it’s not at all a Freudian thing and I have no interest in having sexual relations before after or during a spanking or ever at all with the person who spanks me.

Some spankos want to find that perfect mate with which they can share their spanko-ness but even if I got married, my spouse would never NEVER discipline me. I believe a sexual partnership should be mutual respect and give and take not one being able to discipline the other because they can’t be impartial and I just don’t see it as…right. I don’t know, spanking for me is as far away from sexual feelings as an insect to a whale. Believe it or not most vanillas (non spankos) don’t get that they think it’s some kinky fetish or something. Most spankos don’t get it either most want a one true mate who will satisfy their spanko and sexual needs (sometimes simultaneously) or they want both from varying individuals.

A very small percent want disciplinary spanking only. I’m a small percentage within a small percentage, there’s something new. I can’t ever have a normal anything, it seems.

Anyway I started this blog to inform, to vent, possibly to locate the mentor with which I relentlessly search.

I’m a college student in North Carolina, a freshman this year (18 years old), double majoring in Biology and Chemistry. I am looking for a mentor to chat with and eventually meet in person. I want him to be a man, at least 20 years older than myself who I can confess wrongdoings and who can evaluate my behavior. Someone to scold, to encourage, to spank, and to advise me. I don’t really have that many behavioral problems, mostly just squabbling with my family and procrastinating.

I started documenting my feelings in a kind of ‘blog’ a long time ago, mostly to let my family know if I ever died and they searched my computer. I’m tired of holding it in though, no one in my real life knows and I still haven’t been able to find a mentor or someone close enough by that I felt safe to meet in person.

If that isn’t enough I’ve been lying to my own people, the spanko community since I stared joining real spanko sites a couple years ago. I first joined either Spanking Needs of Spanking Therapy when I was like 15 almost 16 years old. My profile got erased there because when I signed up some glitch had it displaying my real age (of course I had lied and said I was 18 but something had gotten screwed up, it said I was 18 on my profile but then another thing said 15). Of course it is illegal to be a member if you’re under 18 but that didn’t stop me, I was curious, that was the first spanko site I had found that said spanking didn’t have to be sexual, up until then I thought I was some freak among freaks, alone in the world.

All my profiles are linked, the spanko community as a whole is pretty small so I had to continue the lie, even now that I’ve turned 18. I’m afraid I’ll get banned or something if they find out I’ve lied. Also it makes a good starting point if I ever find a mentor, because they often want to give you a ‘cleaning the slate spanking’ but I don’t believe there should be a spanking unless there is a serious offense that you either know is wrong or have been warned about multiple times. So a multi-year lie I believe warrants a spanking especially if I continue the lie until we first meet and then tell him. Maybe the secret will get out through this blog but I doubt this’ll have any readers. This is mostly just to vent and perhaps to share with my mentor if I ever find him, that is.

I am now going to post my old entries from the digital journal I’ve kept so anyone reading this can trace my documentary as far back as I have recorded it (a couple years ago).

I’ll try to also post the dates they were actually written.

Note: This Post is the very first, it is sticky, the posts directly after this one will be in reverse chronological order, from most recent to less recent.