In the Beginning…

I am starting this blog to chronicle my secret spanko life.

I’ve always been fascinated with spanking since I can remember. I never wanted my parents to spank me, I was afraid of that just like everyone else (because they did spank me when I was small). I missed it though, when they stopped because they tended to hold things over my head instead of letting them go, I felt like everything bad I ever did never went away unless they spanked me for it, because not only was it held over my head I still felt bad about it myself.

I was mesmerized whenever I saw a spanking element on TV (and still am really) I see it everywhere even when it’s not particularly implied, I can see the possibilities. For instance, when (in a TV show) a kind of parental or at least mentor relationship is established I can see instances where there might’ve been a spanking. Like on CSI:New York when Danny screws up I can imagine Mac spanking him. I see it all over the place, it makes me (and allot of other spankos) inspired to write fanfiction, it’s like the secret story-behind-the-story that no one else can see but us.

Anyway I started trying to find spanking stuff online and I found the fanfiction and I loved it. I had already been reading it but then I found out there were ones with spanking and I was hooked. I never liked to watch spanking fetish porn or read those stories because I’m not at all into that stuff. I desire 100% platonic, parental disciplinary spanking from a mentor type figure. Admittedly I’m only seeking a man (a much older one) and some might read too much into that but I believe it’s because I never had a father figure. Trust me it’s not at all a Freudian thing and I have no interest in having sexual relations before after or during a spanking or ever at all with the person who spanks me.

Some spankos want to find that perfect mate with which they can share their spanko-ness but even if I got married, my spouse would never NEVER discipline me. I believe a sexual partnership should be mutual respect and give and take not one being able to discipline the other because they can’t be impartial and I just don’t see it as…right. I don’t know, spanking for me is as far away from sexual feelings as an insect to a whale. Believe it or not most vanillas (non spankos) don’t get that they think it’s some kinky fetish or something. Most spankos don’t get it either most want a one true mate who will satisfy their spanko and sexual needs (sometimes simultaneously) or they want both from varying individuals.

A very small percent want disciplinary spanking only. I’m a small percentage within a small percentage, there’s something new. I can’t ever have a normal anything, it seems.

Anyway I started this blog to inform, to vent, possibly to locate the mentor with which I relentlessly search.

I’m a college student in North Carolina, a freshman this year (18 years old), double majoring in Biology and Chemistry. I am looking for a mentor to chat with and eventually meet in person. I want him to be a man, at least 20 years older than myself who I can confess wrongdoings and who can evaluate my behavior. Someone to scold, to encourage, to spank, and to advise me. I don’t really have that many behavioral problems, mostly just squabbling with my family and procrastinating.

I started documenting my feelings in a kind of ‘blog’ a long time ago, mostly to let my family know if I ever died and they searched my computer. I’m tired of holding it in though, no one in my real life knows and I still haven’t been able to find a mentor or someone close enough by that I felt safe to meet in person.

If that isn’t enough I’ve been lying to my own people, the spanko community since I stared joining real spanko sites a couple years ago. I first joined either Spanking Needs of Spanking Therapy when I was like 15 almost 16 years old. My profile got erased there because when I signed up some glitch had it displaying my real age (of course I had lied and said I was 18 but something had gotten screwed up, it said I was 18 on my profile but then another thing said 15). Of course it is illegal to be a member if you’re under 18 but that didn’t stop me, I was curious, that was the first spanko site I had found that said spanking didn’t have to be sexual, up until then I thought I was some freak among freaks, alone in the world.

All my profiles are linked, the spanko community as a whole is pretty small so I had to continue the lie, even now that I’ve turned 18. I’m afraid I’ll get banned or something if they find out I’ve lied. Also it makes a good starting point if I ever find a mentor, because they often want to give you a ‘cleaning the slate spanking’ but I don’t believe there should be a spanking unless there is a serious offense that you either know is wrong or have been warned about multiple times. So a multi-year lie I believe warrants a spanking especially if I continue the lie until we first meet and then tell him. Maybe the secret will get out through this blog but I doubt this’ll have any readers. This is mostly just to vent and perhaps to share with my mentor if I ever find him, that is.

I am now going to post my old entries from the digital journal I’ve kept so anyone reading this can trace my documentary as far back as I have recorded it (a couple years ago).

I’ll try to also post the dates they were actually written.

Note: This Post is the very first, it is sticky, the posts directly after this one will be in reverse chronological order, from most recent to less recent.

Oh my, has it been a long time

I haven’t posted on here in SO long, I guess I should give anyone happening to read this a brief synopsis. I am much happier now, a lot less angst-y, more mature (I’m 22, getting close to 23 now) and I’ve graduate college and gone on to graduate school. I lost interest in the spanko scene partially because all the meeting up I did never amounted to anything, partially because I was afraid, and I met a man, a boyfriend. I got very busy with school and him and I was much happier, in a better place, although I will point out, he is a vanilla. I eventually told him about my being a spanko but I made it clear I was not interested in him taking up the mantle of disciplinarian, which he didn’t mind because he wasn’t into that kind of thing anyway. I graduated with two BSs in Chemistry and Biology, I got accepted to a graduate school in New Jersey (where I live now) and everything was going great, my bf and I have been together for 3 years at this point. He has been a real God-send, someone to vent to and confide in was something I really needed and we have been great for one another, but he isn’t a spanko and he can’t be my disciplinarian. I have expressed my feelings of separation of romance and disciplinarian before, in case anyone hasn’t read the old stuff, I just don’t agree with one partner having dominion over the other. Anyway, I always knew I wanted a vanilla romantic partner, fortunately he has known some people who were into BDSM and the like, so he doesn’t find it alarming or weird but he has told me that he’s not 100% comfortable with me getting spanked by some random person (it does involve being partially naked around another man who may or may not be sexually interested in spanking) and I completely understand where he’s coming from. It wasn’t a problem for 3 years because I was much happier, I was doing well in school, I didn’t feel the need to be spanked, I rarely read fanfiction involving spankings and that was about it, I stopped looking for anyone and everything. Part of that may have been because he wasn’t comfortable with it but I truly was doing better in life, my on again off again behavioral problems really quieted down with procrastination still being a semi-present issue that cropped up but never really caused too many problems. I thought I had out-grown my need for validation and punishment, I though it was some juvenile, thing that was a carry over from childhood and needing a real parental figure, that as an adult that I wouldn’t need it anymore, which seemed true until recently. When things are going well, I feel like I don’t need it but when I feel like I’ve screwed up or am going down a bad path I feel like that’s the only thing that can help me. What went wrong, you ask? Well this past fall was my first semester in graduate school, and I thought the sleepless nights and struggles were over, all I wanted to do was research, everyone said ‘don’t worry about classes, it’s the research that’s important’ but they were wrong, I tried to switch fields and the classes were too out of my expertise, I couldn’t handle them all. I probably took too many at once, but the school basically forced me to, kept telling me that I wasn’t taking enough, you can’t make Cs in grad school, so I ended up getting all Cs and getting thrown out of the program. It probably wasn’t the right program for me to be honest, I loved the research but the classes were horrible I lost at least 1 night of sleep a week, up to 3 nights some weeks. I tried really hard but I couldn’t do it, too much new material at a very advanced level, I felt  like I was letting down my family, my friends, my classmates, my adviser, and myself. I wondered if I would do better if I had a disciplinarian pushing me and maybe I would have, I’ll never know. I did procrastinate somewhat but it felt like I was always working on something, even if it wasn’t what I should have been working on, to finish one thing in another class I had to leave another half finished. The school saw that I just wasn’t a good fit for that program and let me switch to another, closer to my undergrad experience, on a trial basis until I prove I can do well in those classes, I don’t officially get ‘in’ until I pass this semester, then I’ll get into another lab from that department. Since that failure I’ve felt so guilty, so down, I definitely felt I deserved to be punished. I felt that I could have taken less courses, or procrastinated less or applied to a different program from the beginning. Since I’ve moved to NJ I’ve been away from my family, which has been nice, but the two of us have also been on our own which has been wonderful but an adjustment all the same, buying our own groceries, doing laundry etc. I told my bf that I was going to get back into reading CP fanfiction and RPing on AnimeOTK to help me feel better about last semester, he was ok with that, but I’m starting to feel like that won’t be enough. I haven’t looked for a mentor since we’ve lived up North but I know the scene up here has to be huge, just the sheer increase in population, I mean New York City isn’t even that far of a drive. The reason I haven’t looked is because I’m afraid to, I know I’d want to meet with someone if I found them. I’d never look behind my bfs back, I’m sure he’d understand if I told him I needed it, even if it did make him feel uncomfortable. I’m just hoping everything goes well this semester, which so far, it’s ok, not easy by any means but I doubt I will fail to meet expectations. I’m hoping if everything goes well I won’t need one anymore and everything will go back to how it was before, but I also wonder if it will be alright and if I’d be better off with a mentor, if it’d make me a better person. I just don’t want to put my bf in that situation where he’s worried about me or jealous, not to mention the real danger behind meeting someone that has always scared me too. I won’t hide it from him if I really feel I need it, and I just hope he is able to understand, truthfully I hope the feeling subsides. I went three years with almost no inclination towards returning to being a spanko, surely I will be just as well off once this semester is over and I’m back on track.

Long Hiatus – Warning Love Angst Ahead

Well here I am, back again. I realize I haven’t posted in a while and you wouldn’t believe half the shit that’s happened to me since my last post, an entire semester of college for one thing.

I kind of gave up on the spanko search there for a while, the one Virginian guy I met with seemed promising at first but I don’t think we were really a good match for each other, after meeting in person. Anyways, after that there was ANOTHER guy and he seemed great and we met in person and he was still pretty cool but I just couldn’t get comfortable enough. Needless to say it was, is maddening. By that time it was the middle of the semester and I was getting really busy and stressed out and I didn’t need that on my plate too.

Following that I just sortof dropped off the spanko map as it were, only to resurface recently, after finals. I was really busy, 18 credit hours, a part time job for a few hours a week and an extracurricular activity. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it for the most part but still stressful all the same.

I ended up with fairly good grades in everything but physics which was disappointing but at this point I’m just glad to be done with it.

Besides enjoying Chemistry I think the only thing that kept me sane was the extracurricular activity, fencing. It sounds and looks pretty silly but it’s one of the few physical activities I’ve ever had any real interest in. Something to keep the mind occupied and blow off a little steam while also socializing and making friends. It’s helping get me in shape too, which is great.

I did a pretty good job making friends (by my standards anyway) but of course there had to be trouble a brewing there as well, no rest for the wicked. And here lies the biggest, most angsty part of this post, if you don’t wish to read the lovelorn caterwauling of a spurned teenager, turn away now.

Almost the first day I came to practice I had an unnatural fascination with one of the head guys in the club. I shrugged it off as one of those status crushes and managed to keep if fairly quelled for a while. I’ve had similar attractions before and usually they amount to nothing and the feelings go away in time.

As it turns out I ended up developing the first absolutely debilitating crush I’ve ever had in my life. At every turn it seemed to me as if we were similar but different, the perfect couple but I suppose that’s how every crush victim feels at the time. Needless to say when I found out he was single and looking I nearly couldn’t contain myself. Being around him made me so nervous I seemed to be a third of the conversationalist I once was, jokes horrible, discussions flat. There were days were I felt like he was interested and didn’t know how to express and there were days I felt he knew of my machinations and wished me to leave him be and for months I agonized over  if either was the truth or some hazy middle ground.

He was nice to me but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out if it was flirting or just being a nice guy (which he is). I eventually couldn’t take it anymore and asked him out. I made it seem casual but he was busy (middle of the semester and all), I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it considering I tried to make it seem more like a last minute friend thing so I let that slide and spent the next month trying to figure out if that had been a hint to leave him alone or if he a was just legitimately busy.

Again I heard that he was single and looking and he was still being nice to me, not as if he were trying to drive me off or anything and so I again summoned the courage to ask him out, trying to send signals that it wasn’t just friendly. To this day I’m not sure if he knew of my intentions or was blindsided with my feelings. Regardless, we went on a single date (dinner and a movie) and it was awkward but enjoyable (to me). I had no idea how he felt but for two days I was awash in my realized dream, I thought for the longest time if I could just get him to go on a date with me that everything would develop as planned from there.

A couple days afterwards I dared to send a message alluding to a ‘next time’ and was shortly thereafter shot down (in the nicest way possible but still crushing to me in my lovesick state). To the best of my reckoning either; he knew all along and felt he couldn’t keep dodging my advances, was interested at some point but was eventually turned off by something I did or said, or thought all along it was a friend thing and was completely taken aback when he realized the truth and knew he couldn’t lead me on anymore.

Personally I think the latter option is most likely correct and I just hope I haven’t ruined a good friendship because, in it all, he did his best to be friendly and a gentleman. At this point I have mostly recovered from the blow but still there is nothing quite like your first real crush and I almost hate the idea of having to see and interact with him in fencing again after having all these hopes and fantasies dashed(I haven’t seen him since the date because of winter break). When we go back, above everything, I don’t want it to be awkward and weird and I’m going to do my best to act as if it never happened. Were I to see him date soon after this…I would be absolutely wounded.

Honestly it would’ve been easier if he had been an asshole about it but because he was not I can no more scorn him than continue in my pursuit.

I become bored with winter break. As much as I needed it to begin I now need it to come to a close. The longer I sit and stew, the worse the first meeting will be. It doesn’t help that one of my best friends in the club moved away after last semester. I fear I will be out of place, an outcast and that news of our horribly failed courtship will be known and whispered by all. The things I imagine in my head are always exponentially worse or overly exaggerated optimisms and almost never portray the actual outcomes of events.

I fret for naught, I am certain but it doesn’t make it any easier, especially considering the horrible events that have befallen my family as of late. My mind has nothing to turn over and analyze besides negative things which is not at all good for one’s mental state. I almost look forward to the start of the spring semester, to once again have work and fencing to busy myself with so that I may allow my mind to take itself away  and not stagnate in the unfortunate here and now.

Moreover, things have begun to bother me even less than before after being able to vent so completely and honestly.

To get back to spanko orders of business; I have recently returned to chatting with someone who I have spoken with before. He always appeared the promising candidate both with mentality and proximity but seemed a bit to hasty in his treatment of the relationship. In other words I shied away from his directness but there was nothing particularly wrong that scared me away or would otherwise point to him being unfit. After confiding in him that I would like to take it slow (ie not have him assume the mantle 100% from the start), to start off instead as chatting buddies with something of an advisory role. Hopefully this will work out favorably and I will have a mentor for the spring semester.

Short update

This is going to be very short, I just had to say this here before I forget because I find this important to the story I’m narrating in this blog.

My sister has recently started dating again, to a guy much older than her, in his 40s with a teenage daughter only a couple years younger than myself. I found this really odd at first but I thought, ‘Hey, if she can actually find a guy that’s mature and will be good to her, for once, then power to her’. Of course, this was short lived, it wasn’t long before it got back to us that he was an occasional coke user, got drunk constantly and drunk and drove regularly. Not to mention the fact he’s had to go to court several times for getting in fights and makes a habit of  furnishing his kid with drugs and alcohol. I wish I could regale you with all of my sisters terrible decisions in life but honestly that would take too long.

Suffice it to say, she’s had a very tough existence, cancer in her mid-late teens that nearly deprived her of her ability to reproduce (having a child is still almost impossible for her and remains her ultimate goal in life despite the fact that we can barely support ourselves at the moment and, if she ever does have one, it will be conceived from whatever genetically revolting scumbag she happens to be courting at the moment), bad choices in men since she started dating, just hit after hit; some of it her own fault, and some not. Sometimes, when I imagine all the things she’s been through I wonder how she can still get up in the morning, though she’s always been a very depressed, angry individual.

Anyway, my grandmother and I were discussing her current drama and I expressed my belief that no one in our family has good taste in men, we’re all magnets for assholes and abusers. I shared my frustration that my sister feels she can’t be whole without a man and that she always seems to choose the worst she can find. My grandmother agreed with me and I went on to (bitterly) to announce that it was the curse of our family.

You see, my grandmother’s husband (my grandfather) ran out on them when my mother and uncle were very young, moving to Florida to avoid paying child support and he was no saint when he did live with them either, mentally abusive to say the least. My mother never got married but had boyfriend after boyfriend that would abuse  her mentally and physically (my father included), abandon her, or were just plain good for nothings (my sister’s father). I’ve never been in a real relationship, personally, but I’ve always had a pretty bleak outlook on them because of our family history.

My grandmother then proceeded to tell me that we hadn’t always been like that, that her father had been a good man and I told her that was a long time ago and more recent records show grim prospects. She said to me (and pay attention because this is the important bit) that my mother and sister were like that because they grew up without a father. I looked over at her with a cocked brow as if to say ‘So did I’ and she quickly amended that I had too and it was ‘a miracle I wasn’t messed up. ‘ A miracle I’m not messed up, ha, what a riot. I guess I’ve been doing a pretty good job of hiding my spanko tendencies. If she only knew.

Well, at least I’m not attracted to garbage, I just have to have a father figure who follows my every move, spanking me when I mess up, and validating good behavior. Our family has been the definition of ‘messed up’ for three generations now (some more uniquely than others), no exceptions

TOUCHDOWN! Houston Spanko 1 has landed!

I met with another spanko for the first time ever today! He’s fr0m Virginia, I believe, which I always thought would be too long of a commute, I haven’t even been looking for mentors up there, I figured we wouldn’t be able to meet enough or easily. The reason I didn’t disregard it right away was because he is a passionate traveler (an interest of mine, as well) and, as such, believed an 1.5-2 hour drive wasn’t that much. That’s good I suppose, I mean I would feel bad if he had to drive down here every time, maybe we could meet in the middle.

I just realized I haven’t told you guys if it was a casual meeting or an actual discipline meeting but don’t get your hopes up, still haven’t sealed the deal. We just met for coffee at the local Barnes and Nobel, which, it turns out, is a great public place to meet for the first time. I don’t know how often we’ll be able to do this but I wouldn’t mind meeting him again.

I’m getting ahead of myself, I’m so excited. My first real (knowing) contact with another spanko! Let me start at the beginning:

Well, we’ve been e-mailing for a while now and he’s always fairly formal (greeting, signoff, very little abbreviation or slang) so I’ve been doing it too. Reading my e-mails to him 2-3 times over to make sure it sounds sophisticated, eliminated juvenile phrases. He was impressed with my eloquence which I enjoyed. I want my mentor to respect me as a person, to value my abilities so that the thought of me throwing it away or screwing up invokes real disappointment and anger.

He said he is in relationship with a spanko who regularly films the videos and such. I veiw that as a plus because, even though my ideal mentor would have no interest in spanking as a sexual aspect (my personal belief is that it is punishment only, as you guys should know) but he claims to have done mentorships before. Also, theoretically, if he is already in a DD relationship then those element are covered, he shouldn’t be trying to turn our deal into something it isn’t if he’s already got someone to fill that role, which is something I’ve always been worried about. For me the worst case scenario (besides the obvious serial killer/rapist bit) is that the other party would begin to take things or do things beyond the scope of what I’m looking for. For me a mentor acting sensual or getting turned on by the process would be a bit like your relatives groping you when you hugged; absolutely wrong and mentally scarring. It’s too early to tell everything, like I said, but he’s passed tier 1 or vetting procedure, don’t ask me what’s after that because no one’s ever gotten that far. I am so exhilarated, I have been wanting to gush about it all day, cooped up with my family I was desperate to disclose some small detail or just anything to get the excitement off my chest but I knew it was too dangerous. The last thing I need them thinking is that I sneak off to meet with some secret boyfriend or something.

He told me to meet him in the travel section, said he’d be wearing a striped blue polo. I’ve got to tell you, every person who walked by seemed to be wearing that, I kept picking up travel guides and flipping through them without really looking at them, trying my hardest to seem casual while keeping hawk vision on the front door and aisles around me. I got there 30 minutes early in fear of being late and it was a long wait.

I  would stare at people to see if they were looking around too and even though we traded pics I felt like I wouldn’t recognize him when I saw him. Occasionally people would come through the area where I was standing and I would just look down and pretend to read. Eventually someone came over and I was so use to just pretending to read that I kept looking away but they didn’t move and I wanted to look up to see if it was him but I was afraid to look. The person started to circle around me like they were trying to decide if I was someone in particular and then I had to glance up, and I realized it might be him. The guy was still staring when I looked up and he was just looking at me and neither of us wanted to ask. It was so terribly awkward I though I would be sick, I’m shy so meeting new people I flounder a bit.

I mumbled something about ‘were you suppose to meet someone’ and he asked if my name was so and so, I couldn’t even manage to say yes, instead I mumbled ‘mhmm’ in a mortifyingly meek voice.

Well we sat down at the Barnes and Nobel cafe and had coffee and talked a little, mostly about me, though he kept the conversation going by asking questions because I don’t know that I could have just kept  blabbering. He wasn’t a creepy weirdo or anything, which is what I was afraid of. That was what I was looking out for first, of course most psychopaths and serial killers seem normal but the first thing I was watching out for was someone so weird that they can’t even have a normal conversation but he passed that test. Still vetting but I’ve never gotten so far with someone before.

It was uncomfortable for the most part but I suspected it would be, it wasn’t for any particular reason just first meeting jitters. It was sortof like meeting with a teacher/professor that you don’t know very well and talking about intimate things right off. We didn’t really discuss spanking or anything, mostly talked about school and travel it was blissfully normal. I thought if we started talking all that spanking stuff in the middle of the cafe people were sure to hear or I might be so paralyzed with embarrassment that I wouldn’t be able to go on. Normal small talk you would have with an adult family friend; ‘how’s school’, ‘did you read the Hunger Games’, ‘what classes are you taking’, ‘ I’m interested in politics’. Part of me wanted to crack open the elephant in the room but another part was so relieved to talk about normal stuff and know that I wasn’t hiding the spanko part of myself. It was out there, un-discussed but still present. It was like being able to take out a dark part of your soul that’s gnawing at your thoughts and your consciousness constantly and being able to put it out on the dining room table without the other person running in fear or confusion or repulsion. I guess without a giant secret under the surface it was actually nice to talk about normal things and not just have them be a formality. When I discuss that kind of thing with others I’m always thinking about the spanking stuff in the back of my mind but I didn’t have to anymore. I admit, however, having that deep dark thing just sitting out in the open made me feel so vulnerable I could hardly speak.  I could barely keep eye contact for 5 seconds and I had this seizure-like fiddling with my straw going on. It will get better as we get more acquainted, after that dirty monster of a secret has had time to air out rather than being freshly drudged up to meet the sun for the first time.

It’s a bit like meeting someone in reverse, usually when you meet someone you are shy and you offer up small bits of yourself at a time from the outside in, people either never learn your inner-most things, or it takes many years of friendship to do so, to trust so openly. You have spent time working on this friendship and you do not want to break it by overloading it or by trusting too much and getting hurt. Meetings like this, between spankos, you already know at least one (probably the most guarded) of their deepest elements and you have to try to work around the embarrassment and perhaps shame to introduce the more cursory stuff, already feeling as if you are completely exposed. You have to come to terms that someone knows this about you and that if you continue to tell them things they will have all of who you are, they’ve already got the biggest piece and still you keep giving them bit after bit, hoping that this won’t be the straw that broke the camel’s back because if they can deal with the biggest thing then maybe, just maybe they can handle the real you, the whole you that no one else has ever seen.

Whew deep stuff, I know.

Actually, I had to reschedule our meeting to earlier because I had something to do today (ironically the only day I’ve had a commitment for like all summer long is the day he can meet) so we could only stay for an hour because he’d been planning on taking care of some errands beforehand but had to put them off until afterwards because of the rescheduling. I take it as a good sign that felt myself reluctant to go after a mere hour. I wanted more instead of being eager to get out of there so I am excited about future prospects. This may be the beginning of  a relationship/dynamic I’ve been searching for since I was a young child.

It is unlikely that we will have to meet for disciplinary purposes until the semester has started since most of my problems stem from procrastination on homework and putting off duties until they pile up; potentially sabotaging my grades. However, I am certain we will meet again for coffee sometime, though it is difficult for me to get out of the house without questions (this time I said I was going out comparing textbook prices).

Bucket List

Well this update really has nothing to do with spanking or my endless search for a mentor but in my opinion everyone should make a bucket list, it really makes you think about what you want out of life and it can make you smile even if most of the things are almost guaranteed to never happen.

Finding a decent mentor (one who actually spanks or not) is on the list, however. Still adding things as I think of them. Some of the things I’d like to try haven’t actually been invented yet or at least aren’t mass market.

Bucket List

  1. Take cooking classes at a school from a master chef in either France or Italy
  2. Go to all the major Amusement parks on the planet and ride the sickest rollercoasters
  3. Build my own dream house/mansion, planning every room meticulously and possibly drawing the blueprints myself
  4. Go to as many foreign countries as I can manage and eat at least 5 of their most famous/iconic dishes
  5. Visit and possibly learn a martial art from some old Chinese Master in some mountain-top dojo/sanctuary/monastery
  6. Go to all the ‘dangerous’ and unstable countries and make good friends there
  7. Volunteer and live in a struggling 3rd world country for a while to help people
  8. Work at a ‘zoo’ out in the country that’s not really an official zoo so that I can actually feed and interact with the animals
  9. Drink gourmet coffee in Italy
  10. Read all the Classical Literature
  11. Act in a movie/play/tv show
  12. Finish a marathon
  13. Scale a mountain
  14. Become good at Chess and Go
  15. Meet and make good friends with a famous person
  16. Ski down a mountain on short skis
  17. Find a mentor (CP or non)
  18. Help make a scientific breakthrough
  19. Learn slide of hand
  20. Earn at least 3 Doctorates
  21. Meet and befriend a genius
  22. Become a foster parent
  23. Write a novel
  24. Learn Latin
  25. Fly an anti-gravity car/speeder
  26. Get down to a decent weight
  27. Take drawing lessons. Draw a manga/illustrate my own novel.
  28. Donate eggs before they dry up
  29. Wear (however briefly) a piece of jewelry worth over a half million dollars
  30. Live in the wilderness for a nature retreat for a year (perhaps Alaskan or something like that)
  31. Dive in the Great Barrier Reef
  32. Try the Insanity wing at East Coast Wings
  33. Luge and bobsled
  34. Use a Lightsaber
  35. Learn to fence
  36. Fly in a parabolic arc to experience weightlessness
  37. Play hardcore paintball
  38. Become rich enough to wreck a car on purpose

Updating for the sake of it

Well I’m out of school now, got decent grades and everything, although I admit I want to do better next year. I’m still on the Chancelor’s list, but only because my >4.0 GPA from last semester brought up the lower one from this semester.

I did have more difficult courses this Spring but I still am pushing myself to do as I possibly can, to keep my grades up for when I get into the even harder stuff later.

For those keeping up, I still haven’t met with that guy who lives so close. We kept making plans for almost every Friday but I would show up and he wouldn’t or there would be scheduling conflicts and we’d call it off, once we both went to the mall food court and couldn’t find each other (it was crowded) even though we stayed there for an hour.

Since the end of term I haven’t really kept in touch, it’s a bit hard for me to get out of the house for long periods of time (or at all) without arising suspicion. I haven’t even emailed him since then, though I am still chatting with a few other prospects. Most are just spanko acquaintances, they either live to far away or don’t match my type at all but there’s one guy in Virginia that sounds promising. He lives an hour and a half away (which is a universe to me) but he says he travels allot and that’s not even a significant distance to him. We just got in contact so I’m not sure, he’s already in a DD relationship with another woman and i haven’t decided if that’s good or not.

On one hand, he’s probably satisfying any sexual needs and doesn’t need to find a spanko to supplement anything in a closeted vanilla relationship. On the other hand it might mean he has trouble separating discipline and sex, and getting in a relationship like that would definitely hurt more than help. I’m not sure, more online interaction is required.

Right now I need to get a job, our financial situation has only gotten worse, my mother’s income was really key. I’m out of school now and looking for a job but attempting to avoid fast food or waitressing. I’d really like to get a job at a lab washing glassware or something but there isn’t really a position that involves that exclusively and a lab wouldn’t hire me for anything else without a four year degree. Alas, right now I’m not too picky, I would like to make above minimum wage but if it’s close to the house I would take almost anything.

Ranting

For the past month now I’ve been trying to meet with this spanko that lives in the same city as me. He’s an alright match for me but he (like all spanko tops) shows a distinct skew toward the sexual, we’ll come back to that in a moment though.

We’ve been planning to meet in the on-campus coffee shop on friday after my classes for several weeks. The first time he had to call it off because work interfered. The next week was spring break and I didn’t go to school so we skipped it. The next friday I overslept and basically missed my only class that day and would’ve been very late for the meeting by the time I got to school so I called him to call it off. The week after that I went and waited after class and he never showed up, I found out later he had been in Texas and his flight got delayed but he hadn’t even told me he was in a different state that day, that would’ve been nice information to have.

Finally this week I went and waited again and still a no show. I left rather frustrated but not before going up to a stranger, telling him my (fake) name and asking if it meant anything to him. He said ‘No’. The guy looked similar to the man I was suppose to be meeting and in the picture of the guy he was wearing a cap and glasses so I thought it might be him; embarrassed myself pretty good there.

Anyway from all this came something good at least, on my way home I vented so much, ranted, said everything I want out loud, voiced my opinions and my fears. It was so incredibly cathartic, you wouldn’t believe.

I’ve never said all that stuff out loud before but it was great, so great. Now if i could only find someone that understood and was a good mentor for me. It just seems like all spankos view this as a sexual thing and it kindof makes sense to me now.

Who is going to identify themselves as a spanko?
Someone who thinks about it constantly, probably someone it appeals to in some way. Me I feel guilty when I’m not doing my best or when I do something stupid but I lack the self discipline to stop myself most often. I want to do better but it’s hard and I want someone to share my fears and difficulties with. My family is so unstable I can’t tell them anything, they’re falling apart under the weight of their own problems, they can’t handle mine too.

The kind of person I’m looking for isn’t a spanko at all, it’s a person that cares about me enough to want to prevent me (through spanking and other disciplinary methods) from screwing my life up.

I’m not looking for someone obsessed about spanking, I’m looking for someone to use it as a means to an end. These people really only want to spank, for the most part. I realize I’ll never find someone like that; I might find someone who cares about me in a completely fatherly way if I’m lucky, and I may find someone who’ll spank me but those two will never be the same person.