I met with another spanko for the first time ever today! He’s fr0m Virginia, I believe, which I always thought would be too long of a commute, I haven’t even been looking for mentors up there, I figured we wouldn’t be able to meet enough or easily. The reason I didn’t disregard it right away was because he is a passionate traveler (an interest of mine, as well) and, as such, believed an 1.5-2 hour drive wasn’t that much. That’s good I suppose, I mean I would feel bad if he had to drive down here every time, maybe we could meet in the middle.
I just realized I haven’t told you guys if it was a casual meeting or an actual discipline meeting but don’t get your hopes up, still haven’t sealed the deal. We just met for coffee at the local Barnes and Nobel, which, it turns out, is a great public place to meet for the first time. I don’t know how often we’ll be able to do this but I wouldn’t mind meeting him again.
I’m getting ahead of myself, I’m so excited. My first real (knowing) contact with another spanko! Let me start at the beginning:
Well, we’ve been e-mailing for a while now and he’s always fairly formal (greeting, signoff, very little abbreviation or slang) so I’ve been doing it too. Reading my e-mails to him 2-3 times over to make sure it sounds sophisticated, eliminated juvenile phrases. He was impressed with my eloquence which I enjoyed. I want my mentor to respect me as a person, to value my abilities so that the thought of me throwing it away or screwing up invokes real disappointment and anger.
He said he is in relationship with a spanko who regularly films the videos and such. I veiw that as a plus because, even though my ideal mentor would have no interest in spanking as a sexual aspect (my personal belief is that it is punishment only, as you guys should know) but he claims to have done mentorships before. Also, theoretically, if he is already in a DD relationship then those element are covered, he shouldn’t be trying to turn our deal into something it isn’t if he’s already got someone to fill that role, which is something I’ve always been worried about. For me the worst case scenario (besides the obvious serial killer/rapist bit) is that the other party would begin to take things or do things beyond the scope of what I’m looking for. For me a mentor acting sensual or getting turned on by the process would be a bit like your relatives groping you when you hugged; absolutely wrong and mentally scarring. It’s too early to tell everything, like I said, but he’s passed tier 1 or vetting procedure, don’t ask me what’s after that because no one’s ever gotten that far. I am so exhilarated, I have been wanting to gush about it all day, cooped up with my family I was desperate to disclose some small detail or just anything to get the excitement off my chest but I knew it was too dangerous. The last thing I need them thinking is that I sneak off to meet with some secret boyfriend or something.
He told me to meet him in the travel section, said he’d be wearing a striped blue polo. I’ve got to tell you, every person who walked by seemed to be wearing that, I kept picking up travel guides and flipping through them without really looking at them, trying my hardest to seem casual while keeping hawk vision on the front door and aisles around me. I got there 30 minutes early in fear of being late and it was a long wait.
I would stare at people to see if they were looking around too and even though we traded pics I felt like I wouldn’t recognize him when I saw him. Occasionally people would come through the area where I was standing and I would just look down and pretend to read. Eventually someone came over and I was so use to just pretending to read that I kept looking away but they didn’t move and I wanted to look up to see if it was him but I was afraid to look. The person started to circle around me like they were trying to decide if I was someone in particular and then I had to glance up, and I realized it might be him. The guy was still staring when I looked up and he was just looking at me and neither of us wanted to ask. It was so terribly awkward I though I would be sick, I’m shy so meeting new people I flounder a bit.
I mumbled something about ‘were you suppose to meet someone’ and he asked if my name was so and so, I couldn’t even manage to say yes, instead I mumbled ‘mhmm’ in a mortifyingly meek voice.
Well we sat down at the Barnes and Nobel cafe and had coffee and talked a little, mostly about me, though he kept the conversation going by asking questions because I don’t know that I could have just kept blabbering. He wasn’t a creepy weirdo or anything, which is what I was afraid of. That was what I was looking out for first, of course most psychopaths and serial killers seem normal but the first thing I was watching out for was someone so weird that they can’t even have a normal conversation but he passed that test. Still vetting but I’ve never gotten so far with someone before.
It was uncomfortable for the most part but I suspected it would be, it wasn’t for any particular reason just first meeting jitters. It was sortof like meeting with a teacher/professor that you don’t know very well and talking about intimate things right off. We didn’t really discuss spanking or anything, mostly talked about school and travel it was blissfully normal. I thought if we started talking all that spanking stuff in the middle of the cafe people were sure to hear or I might be so paralyzed with embarrassment that I wouldn’t be able to go on. Normal small talk you would have with an adult family friend; ‘how’s school’, ‘did you read the Hunger Games’, ‘what classes are you taking’, ‘ I’m interested in politics’. Part of me wanted to crack open the elephant in the room but another part was so relieved to talk about normal stuff and know that I wasn’t hiding the spanko part of myself. It was out there, un-discussed but still present. It was like being able to take out a dark part of your soul that’s gnawing at your thoughts and your consciousness constantly and being able to put it out on the dining room table without the other person running in fear or confusion or repulsion. I guess without a giant secret under the surface it was actually nice to talk about normal things and not just have them be a formality. When I discuss that kind of thing with others I’m always thinking about the spanking stuff in the back of my mind but I didn’t have to anymore. I admit, however, having that deep dark thing just sitting out in the open made me feel so vulnerable I could hardly speak. I could barely keep eye contact for 5 seconds and I had this seizure-like fiddling with my straw going on. It will get better as we get more acquainted, after that dirty monster of a secret has had time to air out rather than being freshly drudged up to meet the sun for the first time.
It’s a bit like meeting someone in reverse, usually when you meet someone you are shy and you offer up small bits of yourself at a time from the outside in, people either never learn your inner-most things, or it takes many years of friendship to do so, to trust so openly. You have spent time working on this friendship and you do not want to break it by overloading it or by trusting too much and getting hurt. Meetings like this, between spankos, you already know at least one (probably the most guarded) of their deepest elements and you have to try to work around the embarrassment and perhaps shame to introduce the more cursory stuff, already feeling as if you are completely exposed. You have to come to terms that someone knows this about you and that if you continue to tell them things they will have all of who you are, they’ve already got the biggest piece and still you keep giving them bit after bit, hoping that this won’t be the straw that broke the camel’s back because if they can deal with the biggest thing then maybe, just maybe they can handle the real you, the whole you that no one else has ever seen.
Whew deep stuff, I know.
Actually, I had to reschedule our meeting to earlier because I had something to do today (ironically the only day I’ve had a commitment for like all summer long is the day he can meet) so we could only stay for an hour because he’d been planning on taking care of some errands beforehand but had to put them off until afterwards because of the rescheduling. I take it as a good sign that felt myself reluctant to go after a mere hour. I wanted more instead of being eager to get out of there so I am excited about future prospects. This may be the beginning of a relationship/dynamic I’ve been searching for since I was a young child.
It is unlikely that we will have to meet for disciplinary purposes until the semester has started since most of my problems stem from procrastination on homework and putting off duties until they pile up; potentially sabotaging my grades. However, I am certain we will meet again for coffee sometime, though it is difficult for me to get out of the house without questions (this time I said I was going out comparing textbook prices).
trialanderrorspanko 